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Because I said so.

Once upon a time, naked... Part 1

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I hit a word limit apparently. As such, this is being split into 2 entries.

I had the hottest girlfriend in the world when I was 19.
When you're 19, having a hot girlfriend makes a difference to you, but this girl I really, really always got a long with really really well prior to hooking up with her, so the hot part, I guess it was fortunate for me however I liked her a lot. As a matter of fact, now that I think of it, she was the first girl that I felt broken hearted about after we broke up. Oddly enough, when she broke up with me, she gave me all the reasons that I myself had been planning on giving her, yet still because it was me that got dumped, my little 19 year old world of glamour was shattered.

I found her on Facebook recently. She's not well. She's a meth head, had just gotten out of jail for meth, a pipe, and needles. They weren't hers she said, that her boyfriend already had arrests and she hadn't. How the hell you tell a drug addict, "Yeah but they were still yours, you were going to use with him weren't you?" or "You're an idiot to take the fall for someone else", and have them look at situation the same way you do isn't something that's possible. It doesn't make logical sense when you're living that lifestyle.

So she got out of jail, her boyfriend had left her while she was in, took all her stuff in the course of it, and she was borrowing clothes and living in a place owned by someone she met in jail. Good that she had people to help her out but pretty bad circumstances she'd gotten herself in. Her ignorant and self justifying philosophy was that of some kind of minimalism, she didn't need "things". Things like clothes. She was arrested at the beach so she literally walked out of jail at 9:00 PM in a bathing suit.

She was chatting to me on a borrowed phone. Its kind of odd talking to someone in that condition after over 2 decades, and you can't tell them what you really want because you know its pointless, and on top of that as a late starter she literally is the girl that put up with all my sexual insecurities, that I felt comfortable, which involved a lot of questions on my part such as "How do I touch your boobs?", "How do I lick your pussy?", etc. Before that I was flying blind and clueless, hoping I wasn't total shit in bed.

Despite her current condition, I never really fully felt that what we had between us had died, it simply wasn't practical at all for us to be together. It hurt at the time but when I reflected back on it recently, I realised that a huge, huge amount of who I am in a relationship, I learned with her but just didn't know it at the time. Many of my reactions, lack of reactions, and decisions, can be traced back to what I took away from that single relationship. I think I just never had the skills to put those things into words, nor had reflected back to, but many of the foundational feelings that define me were discovered with her.

She felt the same way apparently, that we had never really drifted away from one another, but there was an impracticality. 10 years later she was trying to find me and oddly enough, around the same time I found myself looking at her name in a phone book (yes, we used to have no mobile phones and phone books) for about 5 minutes going back and forth on the matter of weather or not I was going to call her. I just wanted to feel that she was okay but there was a handful of awkward moments over the years when we'd either seen each other briefly, or the fact that she had been with a couple of my friends, both of whom felt the need to lie about the extent of their involvement with her as it turns out today. These awkward moments were what was holding me back.

For a while I told myself that my attraction toward her was infatuation. I told myself that for a really long time. I look back on it all and I feel it was love, so it is painful if I really think about where her head is and what direction she's going today. I've been in a similar place but she has effeminately surpassed me. So, yes, it does hurt if I think about strongly enough, and as I type this its difficult not to. We only chatted a few times because I did get upset and tell her exactly what I thought and expressed... everything. I really tried to be nice but in the end I wasn't able to put it across in a way I felt effective, even if only for a moment, without being a bit of dick however I did lead off with basic facts such as her inner beauty and was very effective at not just saying it but justifying what I was saying, that I cared, that it wasn't selfish care, that it wasn't lonely care, and I justified both of those statements very well. In the end, this was almost a year ago so I don't remember exactly what I put, but trying so hard to be diplomatic, it just had to end up with "What the **** are your doing, dumbass retard?", about 7 different ways, to be whatsoever effective.

I sent that when she wasn't online. I figured that was going to be the end of our friendship very quickly after I hadn't seen her in so long. Of course she didn't respond but a part of me was prepared to receive an angry backlash. She didn't strike back out of anger so I removed her from my Facebook, it would have been really hard to keep a charade that we would somehow be able to hang out, that I can walk into her heavily drugged up lifestyle willingly or without the intention to use myself, and nor did I want to entertain the idea of such a charade. I didn't enjoy it at all, removing her.

A month later she messages me. It was something along the lines of that she'd lost her phone (*cough* pawned or sold it) and would chat with me soon. I sent back that I'd removed her, sort of explained why, and that she can friend me however it would have to be her decision to do so, which was basically saying "Okay so you've read what I said and you know its all correct or you wouldn't have responded, you're a mess and you know I've been a mess and that I've cleaned up for a very long time now and you're messaging me knowing that I don't want to watch you die but the direction your life is going to go is not my call and I'm not going to play a charade, so the ball is in your court when it comes to hovering around that "friend" button. You've known me at one time in way that went well beyond sexual intimacy, you know that I know you and that I'm not happy because I love you."